So I did a little digging, and was pleasantly surprised by what I found. I believe I wrote this back in 2007. It started pretty well, but after this point the story jumps from 1st person to 3rd person, the tone switches, and I think it gets a bit heavy on the cliches. I think the short story might be salvageable with some revision. Would you want to read more? Here's my Author Aerobics: Something Old Challenge piece for a taste of the story.
Midnight's Child
by T.S. Bazelli
We were banished to the north.
The trouble began the day I was born. My father walked out the door, never to return, the moment he saw the markings of my curse: a crown of raven hair and two blinking dark eyes. I can only imagine the horror my golden haired mother felt, holding me there, still drenched in the fluids of birth, knowing that her life and my own would never be an easy one. Yet, she never blamed me once. It was not my fault, she would tell me, all those nights I curled up crying beside her, but even now I remember the fear in her eyes when she began to realize that the old stories night be true.
It was an insular land that we lived in; one that worshiped the sun above all else. Its sons and daughters were all fair of hair and skin. They shut out the night: locked their doors, lit their lamps, and closed their shutters - only to emerge with the dawn. They shut me out like they did the night. I had no friends save my mother.
We moved from town to town begging for work. I would devour any book I came across, stealing precious moments to myself, learning the old histories, and stories of the outside world. It was a hunger that grew in me.
There was something else growing in me too. My nights were filled with restless dreams as I lay there in shuttered lamp lit safety with my mother. I never remembered them when I woke, but I know that in my dreams I was never alone.
When I was 16, I began to sneak outside to look at the moon. I grew up with the same stories of spirits that would steal away children in the dark and eat away a grown man’s soul. I heard whispers of demons that frolicked under the guise of darkness. The first time I was terrified, but when no sounds could be heard but the wind, and no cold hands reached out to steal me away, I discovered the blessed freedom of the night. I owned the light of the moon. No judging eyes were there to stare at me. It was MY time…until the day I was caught.
One window had remained open, one horrified pair of eyes had marked my dance in the twilight and in the morning my mother and I were accosted by a mob of angry villagers. They called me a witch, a heretic and a demon. There were some calling for a burning in the square. Others closed their doors, worried that my glance would bring them disease. With tear filled eyes, I told them I had only been walking, nothing more, but they would not listen to me. Not to the monster they thought I was. It was my mother, calm and proud, who saved us in the end.
We were to be banished. It was not my fate to die at 17, but there are many kinds of death, and it was not long after that I found myself face to face with another.
Hmm. It needs work (in all honesty) but it has potential. I'd want to see more of where this goes before saying anything else. (For instance, if I were critiquing the longer work this is excerpted from, I'd probably say start with the exiling - and go with a really full, visceral scene, the almost burning, and everything. The backstory I'd say fill in later.)
My thoughts exactly. I LOVED the last line: "It was not my fate to die at 17, but there are many kinds of death, and it was not long after that I found myself face to face with another."
And I thought that's where this really starts. The rest is backstory and summary; not scenes, not action. Grip our attention, THEN tell us what we need to know.
But the world you've created definitely intrigues me!
Hehe yes, it needs work. This was more like a prologue to the short story. A prologue to a short story?! Yes I know what you're thinking. LOL
It's a bit funny to go back and read it now, (wow that was a lot of telling instead of showing) but it unexpectedly sparked my imagination. I think I will rewrite this and see what happens. The story had some good bones.
Good idea to start with the almost burning too. :)
Very interesting story. It has a mystery around it. As Stephen said, revisions will improve it. I think its always fun coming across an old piece of writing that I'd written. It can be inspiring.
Yeah it was a bit of relief to find out my old writing wasn't as terrible as I thought. It needs work, but still maybe the ideas had potential :) You're right, it can be inspiring. I'd forgotten about this one completely!
At first I'd thought that was going to be a follow-up to Thirst (I'd obviously skipped the intro paragraph). I did feel kind of pulpy (like it should read by the "Coming this summer" voice) but I liked that about it. It must be part intriguing and part horrifying going over past writing - mercifully everything I don't (think I) have anything more than about a year or two old of my own.
It was much like getting a vaccination. It wasn't as painful as I expected, and the anticipation was worse than the actual experience, but still... hehe
Funny that you mention you thought this was a follow up to Thirst. Both are vampire stories, and they are the only ones I've ever written. Perhaps you picked up on some subconscious connection!
Tessa, though the piece may need a bit of work, I'd love to read more of the original! I loved your descriptions about the stories, the restlessness and the nights.
Honest xx
-BrownEyed
I was actually kind of worried about posting this up. Thanks Brown Eyed :)
I'm curious as to where the story goes and would love to see what you do with a revision. I agree that it definitely has potential!
I think I may go for the revision and see what happens. Thanks Janna!
Hi, Tessa. I always find it interesting to dig out some of my older work and see how it holds up to what I'm doing now. Sometimes I'm horrified; other times I'm pleasantly surprised. There's some good ideas in this piece, and the last paragraph is great; I almost feel that the story should begin there. It would be a very strong opening.
I think you're right about the ending. Thanks Franklin!
It is an interesting experience isn't it? No matter what, it's good to know that you've improved over time.
The exact nature of the curse is interesting, but rather than read on I'd rather read a different introduction. A child born with a curse, called a witch by the ignorant, having a poor family and being on the move is standard - like you said, you've observed cliches in the story. I feel like most of the territory you crossed here could be alluded to or expressed while she is on her journey, face-to-face with whatever she encounters, rather than opening with backstory. What's most appealing is what she'll become, who she is when she told us this. I'm also curious to see how you'd write it all up now - it's a great exercise to take up something you did years earlier in your writing development.
Is the title a reference to Salman Rushdie's Midnight's Children?
Alas the title is not a reference to Rushdie's book. I haven't read it. The story was actually untitled before I posted it up here.
If I were to rewrite it, I'd drop this part out completely, possibly take the story on a slightly different trajectory, switch the vampires for a different supernatural creature, but still base the story it in a world that's suspicious of night. The ideas are simmering away in the back of my head. They haven't quite reached a boil yet.
Hey, it did not make me cringe. Though to be honest that is reserved for one's own writing. :D Yes, it does need work, but it's also interesting take on society [if you decide to take on that spin, instead of the curse]. Discrimination and fear of the different is very potent even these times. So there is food in this one.
This works as an opening to something bigger. The prologue to a novella, perhaps. The true story is what lies after the last line.
Whew that's a relief! Thanks Harry :)
Woah. What a great find! This has so much potential to be further developed :) I love the world and the characters you set up. I would LOVE to see where else you could go with this.
Thanks Miss Rosemary!!
What struck me most about this piece was the voice of the character. It provides the bones that ties this piece together. Yes, it differs from your current style and I like, but I see the glimmer of the bones and the character stands out for me like most of your characters tend to do.
I like the circular way you start and end this snippet... of course, I'm a sucker for those types of things (not that I've explicitly tried for that circularity in my own writing.)
I've always liked circularity. It makes a story feel complete :) I know I've improved since writing this (or at least I hope so LOL). Maybe now I can redo it and give the character more of a moment to shine. Thanks Aidan!
I really liked this. Yeah, it needs work, but you sound like a natural storyteller. I want to know how this MC was born to this race of sunworshippers and what her/his future is...
Thanks Sharmon!